Remorse
by Zarosguth
Summary: "Why did I not accept her invitation? It would've been the perfect chance to become her friend again." Nanoha sighed as she hugged her pillow even tighter. "Why am I so stupid?"


_**Story Title:  
**_Remorse

_**Genres/'Tags':  
**_Tragedy / Friendship / Angst / Hurt & Comfort / Alternate Universe / One-shot

_**Summary:  
**_"Why did I not accept her invitation? It would've been the perfect chance to become her friend again." Nanoha sighed as she hugged her pillow even tighter. "Why am I so stupid?"

_**Disclaimer:  
**_I do not own Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha. Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha and all related trademarks are owned by Seven Arcs.

* * *

***~-[ Remorse ]-~***

* * *

_Have you ever _done_ something you later think you _shouldn't_ have done? Or have you ever _failed_ to do something that you feel you _should_ have done?_

_Sometimes you can make things right; do what you failed to do or undo the effects of that which you did do._

_Other times, you cannot._

***~-[ X ]-~***

"Hey, Nanoha? Want to walk home with me?" A girl with sad burgundy eyes, accompanied by a gentle but shy smile and with long, flowing blonde tresses, bound by a black ribbon, asked the fifteen-year-old blue-eyed brunette, wearing her hair in a lop-sided ponytail who stood just a few meters down the school hallway.

Takamachi Nanoha turned away from her two friends, a blonde, green-eyed girl named Alicia Bannings and a purple-haired, blue-eyed girl named Tsukimura Suzuka to face the blonde girl. "No, please leave me alone and don't talk to me." She spoke bluntly, her expression hard and cold.

"Oh, okay." The blonde girl, known as Fate Testarossa, said as she cast her gaze towards the ground and fidgeted with her fingers, the gentle but shy smile never leaving her face.

As Nanoha turned away from again and walked off with her two friends Fate waved at them, even though she knew they wouldn't turn around to wave back; they never did.

***~-[ X ]-~***

"Why did I do that?" Nanoha asked herself out loud. "Why did I act like that towards Fate-chan? Why do I _always_ act like that towards Fate-chan?"

Nanoha sat on her bed, on top of the covers, hugging her knees with her pillow in between herself and her knees. She buried her face in the pillow and screamed, using the pillow to dampen the noise so she wouldn't wake up her parents. When she was done, she pulled her face out of her pillow and stared out of her bedroom window. The sky was cloudy and only a few stars could be seen shining through the clouds. The moon was not visible as it was a new moon.

"Why did I not accept her invitation? It would've been the perfect chance to become her friend again." Nanoha sighed as she hugged her pillow even tighter. "Why am I so _stupid_?"

Ever since she first met Fate, Nanoha had wanted to become friends with the blonde girl. It had to be her eyes, those sad-looking burgundy eyes. How could a single human being have such sad eyes but at the same time have such a warm and gentle smile? Nanoha didn't understand, but she wanted to. She wanted to know; who was this person known only as Fate Testarossa?

But when she found out, it proved to be too much for Nanoha to handle.

It turned out Fate was a victim of abuse. Abuse by her own mother, Precia Testarossa. Precia would tie Fate up by her hands and leave her hanging from the ceiling while she would hit her on the back with a leather belt.

That was a few years ago, since then it had been found out what Precia had been doing to Fate and she had been arrested. Shortly after that Fate had been adopted by Lindy Harlaown, the school headmaster.

Knowing what had happened to Fate, Nanoha started pushing her away. She just couldn't stand to look at Fate without feeling sick to her stomach. Not because Fate was broken goods, or otherwise repulsive; no, Nanoha simply couldn't bear the sadness that she felt every time she laid her blue eyes on the girl with the sad burgundy eyes and warm and gentle smile.

She pushed Fate away even more whenever the subject of her past would come up and Fate would, for some reason, try to justify her mother's behaviour; saying it was because she loved Fate, or because Fate deserved it, which really made Nanoha's blood boil; how could Fate even _begin_ defending the woman that had hurt her continuously for several years?

Even when Nanoha started pushing Fate away, Fate never gave up on Nanoha as a friend; no matter how horrible Nanoha treated Fate, she would still ask if they could walk home together, or eat lunch together, or hang out together; Fate just wouldn't give up on Nanoha.

"Why am I such a horrible person? Well, no more; tomorrow I will become fate-chan's friend. I don't care what happened in the past. She has had it rough and instead of trying to comfort her like a good person would, I shunned her and pushed her away. I will make up for it Fate-chan; tomorrow I will become your friend again!" Nanoha spoke to herself, fully determined to do just that as she crawled under the covers of her bed and went to sleep.

***~-[ X ]-~***

The next day Nanoha arrived at school and quickly went to her classroom in the hope Fate would be there and Nanoha could apologize. When she got there, Fate hadn't arrived at school yet. Nanoha thought it was weird; Fate was always early, but she wasn't today.

The other pupils started coming into the classroom and before Nanoha knew it, the entire class had arrived and the teacher had closed the classroom door. Fate hadn't arrived yet.

Just as the teacher was taking attendance an announcement was heard across the school. "_Would all teachers please take their pupils and come to the auditorium? Thank you._"

"Well, you heard it kids. Everyone to the auditorium!" The teacher called and everyone stood up and walked out of the classroom to go there. Nanoha kept wondering where Fate was. And why did everyone have to gather at the auditorium all of a sudden anyway? For some reason, Nanoha felt something was wrong, _very_ wrong.

***~-[ X ****]-~***

A quiet murmuring and whispering was audible in the auditorium; everyone was seated and wondering just what was going on. Did something happen? Was this going to be good or bad? Was someone in trouble real bad? Nanoha just couldn't shake the really bad feeling she had.

"_Would everyone please be quiet?_" A gentle female voice was echoing through the auditorium, overtaking all of the pupils' whispers. Everyone calmed down and turned their attention to the stage; there stood the headmaster, Lindy Harlaown.

"Thank you," Miss Harlaown started, "I am sure you are all wondering why I called everyone here all of a sudden…" sounds of agreement were heard through the auditorium and Nanoha was wondering as well, though she was still preoccupied with the question of where Fate was; maybe she was sick or…?

"The reason I called you all here is because one of your fellow pupils has been in a fatal car accident." It became dead silent in the auditorium; nobody dared to speak or even if they had dared to, they didn't know what to say; someone they knew had been in an accident and… died?

Nanoha was especially shocked; her eyes grew wide and she almost forgot to breathe. "_Please… Don't let it be…_"

"It is with pain in my heart that I must inform you…" A single tear ran down the headmaster's face.

"_Please… no… don't say it! Don't!_"

"That Fate Testarossa is no longer among us."

***~-[ X ****]-~***

A small memorial shrine in dedication of Fate had been erected near the school grounds, under a large tree. A single picture of Fate, smiling her usual smile while her burgundy eyes held the same sadness they always did, formed the centrepiece. The picture's frame was decorated with two black ribbons, similar to the ribbon Fate always wore. Behind the picture frame stood a gold-coloured lantern, symbolizing the light that would guide lost souls to their eternal resting place.

In front of the small memorial shrine lay flowers. Hundreds of flowers both in the form of neat bouquets as well as elegant wreaths; gifts from the children paying their last respects to their deceased schoolmate.

Everyone had already left and gone home, almost everyone.

Nanoha stood in front of the small shrine, her hands were clenched into fists, she'd gritted her teeth and she was shaking uncontrollably. Her blue eyes were narrowed slightly and tears were streaming down her face as a sobbing sound escaped her mouth.

"Why?" she asked out loud. "_Why her? Why did it have to be her? What did Fate-chan do to deserve death?_" she thought as she tightly closed her eyes shut.

"Why now?!" Nanoha yelled at the top of her lungs as she clenched her fists even tighter, causing them to turn white and her to shake even more violently. There was no answer.

She took a deep breath and screamed once more, hurting her throat in the process. She opened her eyes and just stared at the ground as tears rolled down her cheeks and fell to the ground. Feeling defeated, she could only whisper: "Why?"

***~-[ X ]-~***

Nanoha was curled up in her bed, hugging her pillow. Her face was expressionless but her eyes reflected what she felt clearly; sadness, guilt, regret, anger. It had been a week since Fate died and all Nanoha could see whenever she closed her eyes were those sad burgundy eyes and that gentle smile.

She went to school like normal but she did so purely on auto-pilot; she didn't speak to anyone at school, not even Alisa or Suzuka. She didn't pay attention in class and didn't respond whenever the teachers would ask her a question which had gotten her in trouble a few times.

Every day after school Nanoha could be found at Fate's memorial shrine. She would just stand there, staring at Fate's picture. Sometimes she would make no sound whatsoever, other times she would scream at the top of her lungs while tears would stream down her face and finally there were times when she would, between sobs, quietly repeat she was sorry over and over again as if it were some sort of mantra.

Her parents were at a loss of what to do; their daughter had never been like this. Then again, she had never had to deal with this kind of loss before.

It wasn't just loss however that had caused Nanoha to become this depressed; the one thing that had caused her to behave like this was the feeling of guilt and regret; she had not had the chance to apologize to Fate for the horrible way she had treated her and now she would never be able to.

For this, Nanoha could only be angry with herself.

***~-[ X ****]-~***

It had been a month after Fate's death and there had been no improvement in Nanoha's behaviour. Her parents had tried sending her to a psychiatrist but Nanoha wasn't interested. She just didn't care about anything anymore.

Nothing mattered, nothing was important. Except for what she'd wanted to tell Fate.

It was late in the evening and Nanoha was preparing herself to go to bed; she stood in front of the bathroom mirror, brushing her teeth. That day she felt especially bad; she wanted to apologize to Fate so bad she wished she could go back in time. But she knew that was impossible. Then how? How would she ever be able to apologize to Fate? How would she ever be able to tell Fate she wanted to be friends again? How could she keep on living with this guilt?

Then it hit her.

She spat the toothpaste out of her mouth and threw the toothbrush off to the side. She clenched her now empty hand into a fist and threw a punch at the mirror, shattering it. The shards fell into the sink and Nanoha looked at them, each one of them held a small reflection of herself.

She took one of the larger shards from the sink and stared at it. The hand with which she had broken the mirror was bleeding but Nanoha didn't feel any pain. The pain that could've been felt was just as unimportant as everything else.

A loud knocking was heard as Nanoha's parents had heard the sound of the mirror shattering. "Nanoha, are you alright?!" The voice of Takamachi Shiro, Nanoha's father, sounded panicked.

Nanoha ignored his questions and brought the shard of glass up to her wrist. "I'll come for you… Fate-chan." Nanoha whispered as she closed her eyes.

It hurt, but again the pain was unimportant. The only important thing now was that she was going to see Fate and she would apologize. A faint smile appeared on Nanoha's face as the sound of panicked knocking on the bathroom door seemed to become more and more distant.

What followed, was darkness.

***~-[ X ]-~***

_A bright blue sky with only a few traces of white clouds and a sun that shined as if it was trying to brighten everything no matter what; that was what Nanoha saw when she opened her eyes. She found herself lying in the soft grass of a huge green field as the sun warmed her. A gentle breeze brushed over the field, causing the grass to release a soft rustling noise._

_Nanoha sat up and looked around her, the lush green grass stretched as far as she could see. The one thing that stood out was a huge tree on top of a small hill. Nanoha narrowed her eyes to focus on the tree as she thought she saw something under the tree._

_Nanoha's eyes widened when she saw the something was, in fact, a some_one_._

_Nanoha stood up, she was wearing a white summer dress and was bare-foot. She ran towards the tree on top of the hill, the soft grass tickling her feet while she ran as fast as she could._

"_Fate-chan!" she yelled as she approached the blonde figure sitting under the tree._

"_Hey Nanoha!" Fate responded with a gentle smile. She stood up and continued to smile gently at the brunette that came running at her._

_Nanoha nearly knocked Fate over when she reached the blonde and took her in a tight embrace. It all became too much for the brunette and she burst into tears._

"_Fate-chan! I am so sorry! So sorry! So sorry!" she cried._

_Nanoha felt Fate slowly and gently answering Nanoha's embrace with her own; wrapping her arms around the crying brunette._

"_It's okay." The girl with the burgundy eyes whispered soothingly._

"_No! It's not! It's not okay!" Nanoha cried out, "I've treated you horribly and I never had the chance to apologize! You deserved better!" she buried her face into Fate's neck and kept sobbing._

_After Nanoha had finally started to calm down and broke the hug she took Fate's hands into her own and stared deep into those sad burgundy eyes. "Fate-chan, can we please be friends again?" She asked, a tone of desperation was evident in her voice._

_Fate smiled as she always did. "No." she said bluntly._

_Nanoha's eyes grew wide and she felt tears welling up again. This answer shouldn't surprise her, she thought, how could she even expect Fate to forgive her after the way she had treated her?_

"_As far as I'm concerned," Fate continued, "We've never stopped being friends."_

_Nanoha's eyes grew even wider as she could no longer fight back her tears and started crying again. Tears started streaming down Fate's face as well._

"_Promise me, Nanoha." Fate said as she closed her eyes._

"_What?" Nanoha asked sweetly, she would gladly do anything if it were for Fate._

"_Promise me you will live. Live for the both of us."_

_Suddenly the ground started shaking and Nanoha looked down. The soft green grass had disappeared and she and Fate were floating above a dark, black void._

_Fate let go of Nanoha's hands and Nanoha started falling. She looked up at Fate, who had a large white light shining behind her._

"_Fate-chan!" Nanoha yelled as the distance between the two of them grew larger. "Fate-chan!" Nanoha screamed at the top of her lungs as she saw Fate mouthing something at her before everything turned black._

"_Promise me."_

***~-[ X ]-~***

Nanoha slowly opened her eyes as she found herself lying in a bed. She slowly turned her head and looked over to the side where she saw a familiar face staring at her with a concerned expression. It was her mother, Takamachi Momoko.

Momoko's expression turned from concern to relief when she saw her daughter had woken up. "Shiro! Shiro-dear, Nanoha has woken up!" she called as she ran out of the hospital room and into the hallway.

As Nanoha lie there in her hospital bed she turned her face the other way and stared out the window that was there. The sky outside was a bright blue, there were only a few traces of clouds and the sun was shining brightly. Nanoha found her left hand as well as her right wrist were wrapped in bandages.

Nanoha remembered her encounter with Fate in the endless grassy field.

"Fate-chan…" she whispered, clenching her left hand tightly into a fist while fighting back a tear. "It's a promise."

* * *

_**Afterword:  
**_Hello there, or, 'Nice to meet you,' in case we haven't met before.

My name is Zarosguth and this is my first Fan Fiction written for Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha (MSLN), I hope it was a good start as I might want to try writing more Nanoha Fan Fiction in the future.

Nanoha is left-handed, which is why she broke the mirror with her left hand; hence the left hand and right wrist being wrapped in bandages.

This story was partially inspired by a short, seven-page manga called 'After Life' written by Dowman Sayman. I highly recommend reading it; it is a beautifully depressing piece of work. I could never hope to reach its level of beauty, that is for sure.

For now please leave a review if you would be so kind. Tell me what you think; I appreciate all forms of feedback.

***~-[ May we meet again, fare thee well! ]-~***


End file.
